Allison's the bomb

11:34 pm: i need to vent
i am fuckin pisseda t josh right now. for the point that after practice he wanted to talk. but it never happen he had softball. then hung out with angel. so angel is more fukcin importannt than us talking. and he was one who made a desicion and knows want to get this shit dealt with. so it kinda jsut fuckin angers me. and the point that i still cant truely trust him. i mean i gonna through a fuckin hard time adn why is it that when you are going through a hard time neo one is there for you. fuck life

08:40 pm: i hurt. im torn

04:32 pm: I wanted it....
girls. basically sorta got action. haha. yeah. I dunno so jsoh and I went camping it was fun. and yeah god i dont know what to think. like today it was all like yeah. I had him sleep with me int he same bed last night cuase I was cold. and I wanted to talk beucase. yeah. haha I kinda had it planned out as simple as that. becuase the first time we started doing stuff. we had that long amazing talk all night until like 5 in the morning. so I was like well maybe if I have a long talk like that again yeah stuff will happen. which stuff did. but yeah. to get him in bed. I was like i'm cold. come sleep with me. and I'm like jsut as friends though. casue ya know that is what he wants to be. but yeah. morning. yeah. at one point he was like I though we were gonna be jsut friends. ya know by like not doing anything. and I was like eh. I didnt relaly say anything. but think about it. if he really wants to be just frickin friends. he didnt have to continue making out with me and he didnt have to go down on me. whoa way to much info. maybe. hahahaha. but yeah he also had choices there. but then afterwards we sorta were talking more like he was talking adn I wasnt responding cause I didnt want to. nad he mentioned how like blahblahblah about last time and how I was mad at him after all of it. and it wasnt that I was mad. it was more like I was soooooooo unclear about everything. and now that I know like everything basically. I dunno. god i like him. I wish that he would jsut accept that I like him for who his is. I like everything about him. mostly. but ya know. god I dont know. im done I gotta go to work. so yeah. im sure this make slike no sense. blah......

02:31 pm: god I fuckin hate life. this week emotionally has sucked ass. seriuosly. at night I jsut sti adn think about my shitty life. the only good I haev to look forward to life is kirby and amanda coming home and getting more money. whoo hoo so I wait for. and fuck ceell phones. I hate the att and cingular switch over crap they bill me with cingular but I cant get get cingular shit yet. what bull shit I fuckin hate phone companies. but in a week I might jsut maybe be able to cuase they will be one website adn what not. god. and josh I adore the kid I really jsut odnt think I can be jsut friends with him. god. I relaly like him but I want him but I think the chances of that is slim. I think. its jstu all bullshit my whole life is bullshit. god. speaking of. i think ive basically lost faith again. I mean I know he's there and waht not always for me. but its also bull shit I mean I dont see the glory in my life at all. doesnt help me with any of my shit. and god I cant stand being at home. for goodness sake. I am shit. seriously. and gosh. yeah life sucks.

10:15 am: blah im so sick of life
happy birthday to me.

01:46 pm: yeah.. anyways last ngiht was fun. tried kciking joshs ass. it was a good fight then he started getting serious about fighting. like he started fighting harder. and it stillw as a good fight then he got tired adn wanted to sleep. but i wouldnt let him but the fight is not over. i gotta heal up first though. i have this like really big bruise on my right arm. i got 2 visible bruises so far from teh fight. it was fun. and i got him with a waterballoon haha. shit. he cut his hair off. all of it. omg. i dont like it. but yeah it will take me time tog et use to it. i dunno i think he looks kinda funny. who knows. so yeah. oh so my first week of work is gonna be crazy.
mon- 11-7
tuesday 1-9
wensday 1-9
thursday 11-6
friday adn saturday I will probably work at mcdonalds. i need the money
then sunday 11-6 i think it might be 10-6 but yeah crazy huh. and wendsay for sure i am planning on staying down in the cities maybe wensday night too. so yeah. but I am excited for it. just think how much more money i will have. im gonna be a rich bitch. living at home with thy parents. exciting. yay!!!!! haha. anyways im gonna run though. oh yeah i am sorta planning my party up at the camper. i'm thinking maybe the first week in june like on a monday throguh tuesady or tuesday through wensday. i dunno. it shall be a riot. yes and we can swim. well gotta run.

12:20 am: yeah so me and josh are basically over. i told him how I felt about how i dont thik i can be just "friends" with him. and blah blah blah. but ihe still wants to be friend with me adn i still want to be friends with him but i jsut dont think it will work. i too jealous of any other girl he hangs out with. but we are still gonna hang out for my bday and stuff and see if it gets better but if it doesnt really then i think i am gonna cut back like shits load of him. so yeah. right now i am watiing for him to get over here so we can fight. he is gonna get his ass kicked i have water balloons waiting for him haha no if they work. but yeah. girls i need a man lets all try to hook ally up with one im going to the club for my bday maybe i will meet someone tehre or at least like a one night stander. haha. anyways i got a new tattoo. it connects my neck but i gotta go bye....

11:25 am: porn, josh, and jamee
i got my hair done today. and jamee does my hiar. and so yeah i tend to hear josh stories. nothing bad. she jsut mentioned though how like yesterdayw ehn she was at band practice josh and tony watched like 5 porns. now its ok for guys to watch porn but there is a thing as too much. and i dunno but 5 porns in one night might be too much. i don have a problem with pron i have a problem with too much porn. hmm i dunno. i really like josh. i think we connect pretty well. but i realized today i dont know much about him really i guess i really dont know what he is like at home and what not. i dunno. i think whenever i am not talking to him i get really sick of our friendship as in something has to happen or i dont even want to hang out with you. cause i dunno. im weird like that. cuase "relationships" connect on a more personal level then on a hey lets have fun level. whereas most "friendships" are more of a hey lets go out and have fun level than a "personal" level. althoguh both ships need to have both its jstu they tend to need more of one than the other in my opinion. so yeah. im in a kinda down mood today cuase i dont know what to do. i really like josh but im starting to think i am gonna need to ditch him soon. why cause even as friends i dotn think i could handle being jstu friends becasue as a friend it is kinda selfish to be jealous of other female friends. like angel. i jsut dont trust teh 2 of them together. whereas if we dated it would be an easier topic to bring up cause we would be dating and in a way i sorta have a right to be worried about the 2 of them together at any time cause of the stories i've heard. so yeah.

01:41 pm: the real life
life hits me in the face. im almost 20. im gonna be working a full time job. i have no friend in my future honestly. i dont have a boyfriend. i have my family but honestly i kinda want to get a way from them. real life ya know. man i feel like im gonna start living the boring life. probably already am. and have nobody there. i do have josh thats about it. but even then i wonder..... speaking of ive decided after my birthday that something either has tog o on between us or im not gonna waste my time any more. cause i dont know if i could be jsut friends with him. i dunno...... im gonna rich when i grow up wanna know why. cause the only thing fun i will have to do in the future is work. im mean when fall comes around i iwll have no friend near by. i dont even wanna talk about it anymore.

10:30 am: i hate not having a car
so far im borede. maybe its the rainy weather. which i like. yeah I cleaned my room today more like put my clothes away. I had to organize my cclothes cause when i start working im gonna be wearing my nicer stuff. yeah. im excited to start work. i think it will be fun. anyways I cant belive things are coming up so quickly. i want to get a tattoo next week. and I need to get my hair done. so my plans for next week so far is try to get my hair done on monday morning. then go the angry atom show at the church with jenny i will probably be there around 4. then I gotta talk to mat about a tattoo cause I really want to get one next week. I wish he qould like check his email er something. so I will probably call him tonight sometime. yeah. and then I am sure I work a bit next week cuase next week is basically like my last week at mcdonalds for like 3 weeks. so yeah.
but now im bored. sitting here I wanna go work out or something but I gotta wait for my mom to come home. yup. exciting.

03:49 pm: shit
I hate life. guess what everyone. its spring again. guess what happens to allison every spring. she tends to get depressed. and now i'm already in it. I think I partially know why I got a lot of my mind. but still yeah it all jsut sucks. I was reading pass journals. yeah my birthday I just want a good one. and yeah friendships I wish they were there and acting. I dunno. right now I feel like I dont even exist in this world. i probably dont.

09:13 pm: i dont know what i want to fuckin do with josh. i like him as a friend but I am selfish friend i want him all the time. and I hate it when he hangs out with angel. thats what he is doing tongiht so I reminded him that we are married and I dont want him to cheat on me. i just get worried of what might go down when he is with angel. but I think he is gonna stop by tomorrow morning cuase its our anniversary. yeah. haha. i will give him his whacky wabbit. but god I dunno if I want anything to do with him. but then once again i will offically have no life and friends besides kayli. and do I really want that. to be my friend I really like it when they do their half. anyways jenny and I are gonna get wasted tonight. why cause she is gonna breakup with her boyfriend cause he is an asshole. so we are gonna get wasted adn forget about things. I think I am way to fuckin attached to josh. but in what kinda way??????

09:23 pm: i got a job at mastercuts
I feel so lonely right now. and the only person i feel like I can go to is josh but whenever I feel lonely and want to hang out with him he is drunk so i've decided whenever josh drinks anything he is not a friend. cause friends are suppose to be there for you in a way right i dunno im selfish too. but then again whenever he is hanging out he still finds time to text me back all the time. so i dunno maybe he is there. I think whats gonna come down between josh adn I maybe is we are gonna either date or not even be friends. I dunno. thats kinda the way I want it to be. but I dunno. when I have close friends I like to be with them alot and I jsut dont I dunno. fuck i hate life. i'm fucking bored as hell and i got no friends to go to.

02:07 pm: I wanna grow up. yes. I think I am ready for it maybe. I wanna grw up and have fun at the same time. so yeah I have been apply to places online casue I am lazy ya know. and I got a call back today from mastercuts in rosedale mall. and I called the lady back but she was busy so she is gonna call me back but I my hoseu number so I dont have to deal with my crap cell phone. but yeah I will probably at least get an interview. so yeah. I'm not gonna hope for anything though. b ut their website says they dont care wether you are a pro or fresh out of scool. so I guess I can sorta hope right. and rosedale isnt htat far away plus my mom friends debbie said I can always live with ehr for a while or like crash there. which I would occasionally I want to work like only weekends but Iw ill talk whatever but if I work weekends I would maybe live down there on the weekends. she liv es in st. paul in the hyland park area??? I think its kinda right off of 94. yeah. i'm excited sorta I guess. I wish kayli was home and online right now I guess I want someone to talk to. hmmm I dunno. i've beent hinking alot about josh lately. what else is new. about the same old stuff like always. liekw hat do I want from him do I even like him in a friendship way. and what not. it sucks. I miss brianna right now. brianna you need to come down here right now. and play with kayli and I. so do you diane. diane you should come up for my birthday weekend. it would be fun. yeah.

02:17 pm: im gonna kill my self tonight seriously
I fuckin hate life it fuckin blows. there is no point what so ever for me to live. seriuos no poibnt what so ever yeah theres my bday coming up with a bunch of fun things but even those are even worth live for right now. its jstu ones of those day. when....
you work
you had asses for customers and you had to deal with them
life hits you in the face
you think about everything
you think about how you suck in like everyway
things go wrong at work. I kept spilling everything all over myself

yeah I jsut fuckin suck I seriously must haave loser written all over me and I jstu cant see it and either can some of my close friends.
I am too fuckin scared to go out and get a job so by the time I do no one will want me and I will be sad again and and I will be an offical loser with nothing to do at my lovely mcdonalds work of 7.50 an hour. whoo hoo. I wanna die and I want to be left alone

12:21 pm: man so I was thinking this morning. yup like always. I really need a job. not only do I need a job I am kinda thinking of maybe not next fall but the oneafter that of maybe going back to school for art or something like that. I dunno though hmmm but yeah I realyl need to get a job and someday Iw ill hopefully soon beucsa elately I have been thinking about it alot. boy Ir eally wanna hang out with kayli tonight I should call in sick or something. maybe or jsut beg matt??? to let me go home early so I can go hang otu with kayli. yeah hmmmmmmmmmmm josh. I still dont know waht I think about him. hmmmmmm. kayli lets go on vaction right now. lets go to mexico. cuase its warm there adn we can drink. so yeah lets go there. hmnmmmm i'm hungry.

12:52 pm: life........ hmmm I jstu finished a painting on life adn I think I want to give it to who ever. maybe its um 30x40 though. I know kyali wants one but that might be too big for you. I think I want to give it up thgouh although its a good painting I think. I think I wanna go paint some more right now hmm maybe I will after this. haha an ab lounge commerical is on. and one life to live is about to start. gotta see wahts going on between todd and blair. anyways. yeah life hit me last ngiht in a dream really it did it was weird. it has to ddo with going out and getting a job and it involves my cousins neighbor who is a cosmo. and I was walking in a neighborhood in that cute new tank top I jstu bought last week. and I watch her give her 2 sons a hair cut and she showed me like hwo she did it and what not and told me to go get a job. weird huh??// I have some pretty fucked up dreams I tell ya. anywys josh is gonna come over tongiht after the poker game so like midnight 1 am ish. I wanna go to his place though I jsut dont relaly want to be here right now. the modest mouse show last night was pretty cool. I really dont know if I would take bianca to a show abotu she is like worse than amanda at shows. she was all like girly with the crowd liek hey could you move your in my way to like every single person and was liek al flirty with the guys behind us and like screaming constantally and yelling things liek I want your babies and what not. you know when you go to a show and you hear that one annoying person that keeps screaming??? that was her. it was rahter amusing though but annoying. my gosh. haha. but it was fun to talk with her and the way there and back though. but hmmmm. back to josh. I dunno if I evenw ant to han gout with him tonight. haha I really wanted to hang out with him last night but he was like I think I am gonna have tow rok tomorrow blah blah blah. so he was like tomorrow after the poker game and I was like ok its a date. and he was like aight. hahaha its our first DATE haha although I was like kidding. hmmm.
OMG they have todd yay!!!!!!! now they only need to find blair. shes in the car fools. but I think the car is about to be towed away. yup. how can they not hear her. ahhhhhh.
anyways. hmmmm thinking. I need to get a cute picture of me up on myspace. I think I wanna steal the cute picture that josh has of me and put it up on it cause its really cute. according to like him and his friends. hmmm and yeah I think it is too I guess. kayli I wanna do something. I am like relaly bored and dont wanna be sitting here. I mean I am relaly bored where I was thinking I should grow out my natural hair color. wouldnt that be interesting. ha. maybe ya never know. na I will probably stick with what I got but I wanna retouch my color and put blonde highlights all over but I think I will wait til like april to do my hair again. do it for my freaking birthday ya know. PUGS!!!!! everyone pugs. could that be kayli that jsut texted me. hmmm lets go see.... it was. cool. hmmm I think josh and I need to start calling each otehr. cause yeah my phone bill is gonna be like 30 dollars in jsut text messages I am sure beucase I probably already sent that many out. freaking josh. why do I like talking to him. gosh. hmmm anyways. man I cant wait for summer it is gonna be such a blast. the nice warm weather, my friends I mean I will have amanda home and kirby will be home for half the summer and camping. I am so gonna have a pretty cool party at my camper this summer but like during the week probably and yeah summer will be filled with parties I am sure. oh summer... maybe I shold get going so I dont bore everyone. yeah.........

07:35 am: oh I hurt. I have very englared sore throat again. it hurts to eat it hurts to drink it hurts to swallow. it freaking sucks its even hard to sleep. then my ears hurt. bad. and I even have a temp of 99.7 so I am gonna try to get into the doctor today I hope I can in the morning I don tknow how long I can last liek this. the only thing I have even ate since like 6:00 pm wensday through now is a big mad and one chicken select. so I'm tired and I am sure I am not healthy I need to eat but it freaking hurts. I hope I can get into the doctor today otherwise I have to wait and go to urgent care which those usually open at 5. man this sucks

12:18 pm: man fuck life it freaking sucks yes it does. so yeah last night josh came over. yeah we had a good time.... some action ya know. but now its 12:30 the next day and I he is still down stairs sleeping and I jsut dont what I want to think about all of this. is this what I want. or is jstu something I am kinda doing for fun at the moment. it is so jsut a thing for the moment I think. god and now I feel sick. literally he kinda has cold so I am sure I will get one too. cause lately hte only thing that happens to me is getting sick right?? oh the joy of that. my stomach freaking hurts. man its feels like basically the whole week already went by and I jsut wasted another week of my life on nothing. yep. hmmm but will I regret this weeks it sure was fun I dont regret the weekend at all cause that was freaking crazy. but hmmmm. I dunno I'm jsut weird. man I kinda jstu miss all the old things in life all the old friends I use to have all the things we all use to do. man crazy times. although I love everything now too. man I should jsut stop talking I am going blah blah blah. oh I talked to mike for a little bit last night. it was great I tell you. actaully it was like hte same as usual but it was cool. I really want to hang out with him sometime but I think I will wait but yeah I am gonna go cause work wants me to come and work

09:11 pm: damn girl!!!!!!!!
this weekend was one hell of a no stop party. friday night. partied figured out that I had like 7-8 bottles of like mikes cranberry, smirnoff triple black and mikes hard all together and I make a drink and drank about 3/4th of it. it was freaking crazy but I am gonna summarize my night since the only people that read this were basically at teh party. I apparently turned josh on. whoo!!!!!!!! yup he told me that becuas eI am all over him and like forcing him not to leave and yeah. I was like all over him. haha. saturday I didnt relaly party jsut sat with jackie and britney and watched tv it was a great time thoguh. I had about half a drink that night. sunday. to shorten up sunday I had like 1 drink and totally got more action that jackie and britney. HAHA. yeah thats right josh and I liek totally made out in the morning. but it was fun we talked until like 5:20 in the morning it was crazy but it was also really. fun. yeah....
kyle was a cool kid. you girls should pass that on to him that I think he is cool and worth partying with. yup.
josh came over for little bit tongiht and might come back over... yay I hope he loses his poker game cause htis is my last night for fun. for a while becuase tomorrow I am taking my life seriously yup beucsae I am going job hunting again. everyone wish me lukc and keep me in your prayers about it. yup. well I am gonna go I dont really feel like talking I jsut wanted to make a point htat I got more action than jack and brit becusae they like every weekend talk about how they got no action or how they did. haha. its cute